your two feet in worn out shoes,
carrying the weight of it all.
with gaping holes in the toes and heavy soles,
you trudge on without missing a step.
sure, you may stumble on the lopsided laces
while getting lost in the longing faces of strangers passing by
but grief looks different out here.
it’s joyful, it’s laughter, it’s black coffee from a barista named steve down the road.
it’s A LOT of black coffee from steve.
you notice that his shoes look a lot like yours: lived in, loved in, and irreparable.
steve gives you a warm smile when you finally look up, “you’re coffee is getting cold” he says.
but steve wasn’t taking about the coffee.
a tear escapes as you turn away.
you think to yourself, “perhaps our shoes are an awful lot like our souls.”

Dear Dr. Suneja,
Thank you for the email detailing your concerns about me falling behind on my noon conference attendance, Quik Coach evaluations, and work-hour documentation. I’m normally very attentive to these details, so let me explain some extenuating circumstances that should clear things up.

This is very odd to me, but seemingly by random chance, every single time I show up for noon conference, a certain resident (I’ll call him Dr. H to protect his privacy) steps around the corner and hops in line just in front of me. He always grins and says, “I’ll check off your name on the attendance list, friend!” For context, I NEVER skip noon conference or grand rounds to eat at the food trucks or take a nap. The only explanation I can see is that Dr. H is only pretending to check off my name. I hate to think something nefarious is going on, but I’ve sometimes wondered if he waits for me to arrive and then jumps in front of me in line every day so he can do this on purpose. I know it seems strange, but it’s true.

As for the lack of documented work hours, I’ve got a very obvious explanation for this. Once, when I was standing in line for noon conference with Dr. H, I mentioned how documenting work hours on MedHub is a little bit of a hassle. With a big grin, he said, “I LOVE documenting work hours. You should give me your MedHub password, and I’ll document your work hours for you.” I was a little suspicious, but I really wanted to make sure my work hours were consistently logged, so I gave him my password. I don’t see how I can be blamed for this task not being completed when I have this arrangement with Dr. H. Maybe it wasn’t the smartest thing for me to do, but at least I’m being truthful.

Now that I think of it, this also explains my lack of Quik Coach evaluations this year. At first, I was confused because I have completed at least 40–50 Quik Coach evaluations with faculty this year alone. But wouldn’t you know it, I use the same password for both MedHub and the Quik Coach app. Dr. H must have logged into my Quik Coach account using the password I shared with him and deleted all the evaluations I completed. Why would he do that?! It seems outrageous, but it’s the honest truth.

While we’re getting into this, I need to tell you about a couple of other things I suspect Dr. H of doing. You see, he looks a little bit like me—that is, we’re both pretty average-looking guys. I think he has been impersonating me on rounds on my days off, and when the attendings ask medical knowledge questions, he gets them wrong ON PURPOSE. This can only be to make me look bad. Also, I’m not sure how to prove this, but I think he has been stealing my car and parking it in the VA parking ramp on my clinic days. Worse than that, he’s been speeding on VA property in my car, resulting in multiple citations. I refuse to be charged for something that’s not my fault. So, Dr. Suneja, I may need you to testify on my behalf in federal court so I don’t go to prison for the unpaid fines.

After all, I already owe the government enough after Dr. H submitted my car registration nine months late. It’s unclear to me how he got all the necessary documents to do this, but at the very least, he could have done it on time.

Look, this has all been taking quite an emotional toll on me. I know you may ask me to reveal the identity of Dr. H so he can corroborate my story or at least be confronted about these things.

Unfortunately, I just can’t put myself through such an emotional ordeal. You are just going to have to take my word for it because it’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Anyway, I hope you will still consider my request for a six-week vacation this year to attend the FIFA World Cup. Dr. H is really pushing me to go and thinks it would be very enriching for my medical knowledge, given all the injuries that occur in soccer.

I’m happy to come in and chat with you about this email at any time—except during the noon hour Monday through Friday because I try to catch up on my sleep during that time.

Thanks,
A detail-oriented resident
 

When American doctors say the system
takes advantage of, they mean

it abuses. In clinic today I saw
a patient look nurse-ward

and announce their fondest wish: one
little pill, to soothe

the pain. Soothe is kill,
in American these days.

In hospital halls,
the residents prepare

to think, to plan.Our language requires thought as well,
in which cracking up means laughing,

betray means turn on. I’m saying
betray your curiosity. I’m saying

at times we crack up to stay whole.
Abuse opportunities

and do what it takes
to kill the soul.